


otherside (tendou x reader)

by ronnie_ao3



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Chronic Illness, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Longing, Love at First Sight, Reminiscing, Sad and Sweet, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:13:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronnie_ao3/pseuds/ronnie_ao3
Summary: " 'cause the hardest part of this is leaving you "
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 58





	otherside (tendou x reader)

Clouds swept by, entering and exiting your vision blithely.

They were white and puffy-looking, and if you had the head-space for it, you'd pick out fun shapes from the blurry masses.

Everything went dark, until you opened your eyes once more. The lazy blink had far too much held within it, images of your red-haired beloved seemingly burned onto the inside of your eyelids. The clouds moved on, leaving you behind with your thoughts and the vast blue of the sky above.

An uncomfortable tingling was building in your biceps, but you kept them tucked behind your head all the same. The mild sensation kept you sentient, shackled to the feeling of being alive like some machine forced to run on and on, even when the lights inside were out.

The sky was alive, the grass greener than ever, children were playing on the swings across the park. 

The clouds were gone, having migrated to some other lonely part of the sky. A tear slid down your cheek and plopped onto a blade of grass.

By this point, your arms were burning from the lack of use, the blood-flow having stopped minutes ago, veins crushed under the weight of your head and neck. It almost made you laugh, this urge to keep that feeling alive itching your skin and brain like a bad joke.

_'Come on, you're better than that.'_

You glanced to your side, half-expecting to see the person you wanted most in the world. He'd be there, grinning back at you, telling you off for acting so beaten down.

_'You're way better than those feelings, letting them get to you just means they've won!'_

You closed your eyes firmly.

"You don't know shit." The words sounded foreign, spoken in a whisper.

Every fiber of your being wanted him to exist there, next to you in the green grass, staring up at the cloudless sky, enjoying the summer breeze and laughing about the most trivial things in life.

He should've been there. 

He should be here.

"Satori." You whispered, and felt your heart clench in the most painful way.

It twisted, and seemed to try to cave in on itself. You couldn't stop the feeling, it was completely involuntary. Thinking about him brought it about every time, but you didn't plan on stopping anytime soon. If you stopped thinking about him, he would cease to exist all over again.

Summer wasn't the same without him.

Nothing was, really.

"You idiot." You hardly meant to say it, but before you could stop it, the two words tumbled out and into the air surrounding. Immediately feeling guilty, you tried focusing on your arms, which hurt terribly from the lack of flow.

Your lips curled into a sneer as you scoffed. He wasn't even here, and you were feeling guilty.

"You're a fucking idiot."

The words were louder this time, and you ignored your heart flutter in protest.

"You're the worst person to ever exist," You sneered at the sky, "I hate your fucking guts!"

The children in the background quieted, and you sat up abruptly, wiping your face with your tingling arms. 

"I fucking hate you for leaving." This one was a whisper, sobbed into your sleeve.

Your friends did what they could to help, but they didn't really understand. You were furious, enraged that Satori thought he could just leave you behind like that, like it wasn't the one thing that could ruin you.

He ruined you, the day he left.

_'Don't be stupid. You've got so much around you, how can you be sad!'_

You cursed that little voice in your head, it sounded so much like him.

Even from beyond the grave, he haunted you. 

"You daft motherfucker, it's all your fault." You hissed to it, "All your fucking fault."

It wasn't his fault, and you knew that. How could it be his fault, he told you straight-off about his condition! That his days were numbered, and to stay away so he wouldn't hurt you.

Did you listen? Of course not.

"I thought you'd live forever." You said honestly into the silence, heart twisting horribly once more as you thought about that day, getting the call from his parents. 

You'd stared into space blankly, eyes pointed at your window but not seeing, as your fingers trembled against the phone. 

They were sobbing softly as they spoke, and all you could manage was "I'm so sorry for your loss" before hanging up on them. 

"You should have lived forever."

You whispered it now, eyes downcast as you stared at the grass.

Every time you talked about your future, he was in it - and hearing about it always soured his mood. His vermilion eyes would fall, his mouth pinched into a disbelieving smile as he shook his head.

_'Not me, babe. It won't be me with you when you get your first house, it'll be some other lucky gent.'_

You'd chastised him for that, scoffing into his shoulder, telling him how ridiculous he was for saying that. "I can't imagine myself with anyone else." You'd said that firmly, and still stood by it.

No one would ever - no one could ever, God you couldn't even form thoughts about it. 

One time you'd yelled at him for making a joke about his impending passing; now you hardly remembered what he had said, but you did remember how his mocking laugh didn't match up with the pain flickering in his eyes, and you'd gotten _so_ angry. Screaming about how he could make jokes about it, when you were trying your best not to think about it.

It was all a blur, really.

He'd grabbed your arm, pulling you into his chest as you sobbed.

_"D-Don't say shit like that."_

'I know, I know. I'm sorry.' 

The rest of the afternoon was spent with him whispering sweet nothings into your ear, as you held on for dear life, trying to recuperate.

You should have been stronger for him. 

You should have been able to hold it together for him; After all, it's not like you were the one that was slowly dying, even if the thought of him going away for good made you feel like that sometimes.

He deserved that much from you.

And you couldn't give it to him.

"I'm so sorry." 

The words were useless, but they poured from you anyway. You wanted to scream it into the sky, scream so loud that he could hear you from heaven. 

How pathetic you must look, talking to the grass and the trees nearby. Unable to keep yourself from fisting your hands in the blades, ripping them out and tossing them aside. Two small piles were beginning to accumulate beside you.

You were just as bad as whatever higher power tore Satori away from you, yanking up the grass in the neighborhood park.

_'We like to pretend to have control when we don't have it, don't we?'_

You swore loudly, leaping up and grabbing your bag. If you heard that little voice one more time, you'd lose it.

The parents of the children eyed you suspiciously as you stormed out of the park, down the sidewalk and out of sight, muttering angrily, "Even in death you're cryptic as hell." to yourself and the little voice.

You almost didn't go to the funeral, but your mom made you. "Come on, sweetie, he would've wanted you there."

At that you'd laughed, eyes wide as you shook your head.

"He would've wanted to be alive - God, how can you - He would've wanted to be _alive_!" Your surprised laugh turned into a sob, and you shook your head.

"He would've wanted to be alive. Here with me. Not fucking _six feet under_!"

You screamed the last part, tossing aside the cup you'd been holding, barely registering the shattering sound as it smashed against the door. You then retreated to your room, only to tug on Satori's hoodie and cry quietly into your covers.

In the end, you went along to the funeral, dressed respectfully with a grim expression. You listened to the aged priest say his bit, tell you all how Satori was with God now, safely in heaven - and it made you want to scream. 

You could have sworn that you saw a glimpse of his crimson hair, spiky and up-turned in every direction, past his aunt and uncle's shoulders. You nearly gasped, losing your balance briefly and drawing eyes to yourself. 

Bowing slightly in apology, you waited for the onlookers to take their gaze off of you before looking back at where you'd seen the red. It couldn't be. 

It's not possible.

You quietly backed out of the group of people, leaving the drawling priest behind as you looked left and right, over the sloping hills of headstones and soft willow trees. The sky was overcast that day, and your surroundings were splashed in the same grey-scale monotony. 

That red...

You rushed down the hill, heart in your throat as you bobbed back and forth, dodging graves and trying to keep your shoes from sinking in the dirt. It had rained that morning, and the ground was soft. You gasped as you nearly slipped, avoiding a nasty spill onto someone else's headstone.

It couldn't be...

Whipping around a tree, you stared down a row, stretching far into the distance; a line of grey stones, but you just got a glimpse that same red again, whipping down another row and out of sight.

Thirty seconds of sprinting went by, your footsteps slapping wetly in the mud, and you finally caught up to the place you'd seen the red.

Taking a deep breath, you turned the corner, eyes sliding across the view in front of you.

Your heart sunk deep into your stomach as you looked not upon Satori, alive with arms outstretched to you, that charming old grin plastered on his face - but a bouquet of roses, carried by an older woman. Her skin looked knotted with age, as she glanced back at you, eyes tired.

They were just roses. Red ones. You repeated those words in your head over and over again, trying to process the discrepancy. 

Roses. Red ones.

"Are you alright, dear?"

Blinking, you nodded at the woman, though you couldn't help the tears filling your eyes.

"Yeah, thanks. I just thought -" You inhaled sharply, the chilly air in your lungs bringing you back to reality, "- my boyfriend had red hair like that, that's all."

The woman looked sympathetically at you.

"Sorry to disappoint. I got these for my husband, he's only down a little ways."

You smiled hollowly at her. She knew the same pain you did.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"And I'm sorry for yours."

You hardly remember dragging yourself to the nearest bench before curling up in a ball, shivering violently.

That was one of the hardest days, since he'd gone.

Before then, you had just viewed the whole thing as a sick joke. A prank he was pulling on you, only to jump out and yell 'Surprise!' and see your shocked face burst into a wide smile. You longed for the whole thing to be a joke, but you knew now it was not.

Satori was never coming back.

You knew it was true the day of the funeral, after you'd tricked yourself into believing you saw his red hair flash by, brilliant in color as always. 

You knew it couldn't be changed the night you dug through all your photos, looking numbly at every candid shot of Satori's ridiculous expressions; in one he stuck his tongue out at you, in another he winked at the camera, and your favorite: one in which he was in the middle of blowing you a kiss.

You knew he was gone for good as you meandered down the street, an iron grip on your bag-strap.

_'Easy now, honey, don't want to strangle it.'_

"Shut up."

It was so hard to tell anymore, whether you were going off the wall or whether he was right there beside you, talking out loud.

Satori would become a ghost, if he could. He always joked that he'd come back and haunt you, and you laughed but in the back of your mind, it hurt. He knew, from your eyes, and cursed himself for saying anything at all.

Neither of you needed to say anything, about it. Everything was already there, out in the open, exposed for you to peruse at your leisure.

Sometimes he was content with the silence you'd share, pressed together on the couch, holding each other.

Other times, he'd talk and talk and talk, desperate to fill the silence and create words and concepts that took both of your minds off of what would inevitably happen, how things would suddenly change one day soon; you always saw right through him, though, and would cup his cheek in your hand and kiss him softly.

"We'll be okay."

Your words had warmed his heart then, even given him a sliver of optimism, just enough to power a feeble fantasy of being with you forever, getting to see your soft smile every morning and every night and every minute in-between. 

Taking moonlight swims in the pool out back, while the kids slept soundly upstairs. Watching the lines in your face become more and more defined as the pair of you aged; he'd laugh at you, tracing them with his fingers, but you'd insult him back, lightly smacking the back of his head.

You'd lay on the grass and watch the stars, after you finally got your breath back from laughing so hard.

"We sure got old, huh?" You'd say, Satori could see it now.

It almost reduced him to tears, the mere thought of hearing you say that to him. He wanted it. Wanted to hold the words in his hands and just look down at them, relishing in the warm comfort they gave off. He wanted to know that he'd make it with you, that he'd be there at least twice as long as he was supposed to.

At least twice as long as the doctors predicted. That's all he asked for.

Before meeting you, Satori hadn't really minded; death was a part of life, right? He wasn't dealt the best hand, but at least he got some time here, even if it was just a little bit.

The second he'd met you, however, his entire philosophy turned on its head. With you, he got a taste of what life could be like, and from that moment on, he clung to it like a drowning man, desperate to stay.

"I never want to leave you."

He'd regretted the words the second they came out, from the look on your face.

You had been lounging on his bed, and he was sitting cross-legged on the floor. You looked lovely, as always.

"I know." That was all you could manage, unable to vocalize just how much you felt the same way.

He understood.

He understood a lot of things, like the way you fiddled with his hair during a movie, or the way you brought him flowers on gloomy days as a pick-me-up he didn't know he'd so desperately needed, or the way you'd let him drive like a maniac on the freeway, giggling and gasping as he weaved in and out of traffic. 

Most of all, Satori understood the way you'd project the nicest things in conversation, bringing up the idea of adopting a dog together, or of secretly eloping, or even of running off to some little town and renting a shitty apartment with your savings and just being there together - _spending the rest of his days together_.

That was the unspoken part of your little fantasy, the part that didn't need to be said at all. It lingered like a sheet of fog over a shallow valley in both of your minds, obscuring any prospects of a future with him.

Satori supposed everything had been cut short the day he left, all of your shared dreams crumbling to dust and choking him as he struggled to inhale.

He hadn't planned on it being that day, it came as a surprise to everyone, including him.

There wasn't a real way to describe the experience, Satori figured. It was more a feeling of being there, and then suddenly not being there.

Stupid, he knew, but that was the best he could do.

You still looked lovely, Satori thought as you trudged along the street. Much more down-trodden, a bit of the spring taken out of your step, and your hair could use a brush - but you were still his girl.

He'd raised a brow at how tightly you were holding your strap, knuckles turning white.

"Easy now, honey, don't want to strangle it."

His eyes softened when you told him to shut up, an unusual amount of venom in your voice. You couldn't see him, didn't know he was there at all.

He knew you thought you were losing it, but couldn't resist making contact with you, anyway. It didn't hurt anymore, his body was light as a feather. The disease that had plagued his bones and deteriorated his life was gone, as it should be. And maybe it wasn't the nicest thing, lingering like this, but it wasn't really a choice. 

Satori hadn't been able to stand the idea of not being with you, so here he was. 

He was right here, waiting for you.

One day, you'd realize. One day soon, he'd tell you.

For now, though, he watched you smile softly, looking down at a photo you'd fished out of your bag. It was taken at senior prom, but it wasn't the stiff-posed photo his mom had taken of you two before you left; no, in this one you were both dancing, but your eyes were closed, and Satori was looking adoringly at you, hand clasped in yours.

"That was the best day." He murmured, and you nodded.

"It was."

You wouldn't see him again for a while, Satori knew that.

He didn't mind, though.

You were worth the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> *songs from which inspiration was drawn as i wrote:
> 
> -cancer: my chemical romance  
> -i want a dog: hobo johnson  
> -otherside: perfume genius


End file.
